The retiring
sport-star's autobiography has become a publishing staple, and as one
of the greats of Welsh Rugby Gareth Thomas would probably have
merited a book deal on that basis alone. But this is something more
than the standard tale of victories and defeats, team talks and a
back room gossip (in which context his reflections on the transition
from the armature to professional era are insightful).
The major substance
of this book is a raw account of Gareth Thomas' journey with his
sexuality. He shares the long struggle, the ways in which he
compartmentalised himself, and the growing pain leading to him
opening up to his wife. He shares his attempts at suicide, with
honest detail that avoids sensationalising those moments. The
challenge he recounts in expressing feelings perhaps speaks more
widely to why suicide rates among young man are so high.
He explores what it
is for a bloke from Bridgend to be “gay” - I think one of the
powerful shifts that has occurred in the last decade or so is the
visibility of gay men who don't conform to old stereotypes. The idea
that all gay men are camp or effeminate was a part of the constrain
on Gareth expressing himself – there was a time when there was
space to be openly gay, but only if you sacrificed part of the
identity as “a man”- there was no such thing as a “gay bloke”.
There are increasing role models (and Gareth a key example) who show
that your sexuality is just one thing about you, it does not define
you, and to be honest it is not a particularly important thing
either.
This might make the
book sound heavy, and in places it it, but it is not without a subtle
humour, for example the first two players who knew about his
sexuality were Stephen Jones and Martyn Williams – and Gareth says
about Stephen Jones “He's from Llanelli. Played in France... he's
going to be OK.” while about Williams he thought “He's from
Pontypridd. A real man's man, hard worker, tough fucker...” and he
was worried about his reaction. The insight into the sense of place
and identity within Wales is revealing. However Williams was fine,
indeed Gareth is in fact disappointed by the lack of reaction - all
he got was “don't worry about. Let's have a beer.”.
How common is that
as experience of coming out? We tie ourselves up in knots about our
sexuality, we make the big announcement, and those around us either
shrug and carry on as before or perhaps comment “cool, we were
wondering when you were going to mention it”. This is clearly
immeasurably better than those who are still being rejected for being
honest about their sexuality, don't get me wrong about that.
But this affirmative
indifference can in its own way be a challenge, I think it can feel
almost as lonely as the closet if you still have the sense of being
the “only gay in the village”- when Keegan Hirst, a Rugby League
player, came out last year he was shortly afterwards given star
billing at Manchester Pride and I think we could all do with a little
bit of that.
Gareth Thomas, while
in the closet, visited Soho, and is positive about the space that he
found on the London Gay scene. That is not the experience of many,
but also increasingly there is less and less of a scene, whatever
your experience of it might be.
This is in part a
positive trend, there is no longer a need to go to a gay bar with
your boyfriend because being a visible couple in a regular bar is not
a problem. But equally there are other dynamics that are less
straightforward. For example, the increasing use of apps to meet –
this can increase participation, many didn't have the opportunity,
due to geography as much as anything, to access to gay bars, but
social media can also be an isolating experience. Perhaps this is
just a part of a transition in which coming to terms with your
sexuality will be an ordinary part of teenage angst (which is not to
belittle it – being a teenage is a pretty horrific experience for
most people...).
