Do You Believe in Life After Loss by Andrew Flewitt

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The collection is made up of interviews between Andrew and a selection of people that have experience of loss in different aspects of life.

Although these are all Queer people, in most cases their Queerness is not central to the experience of loss, but at times it had the potential to add to / or intensify the experience when one consequence of their Queerness was a dislocation from some traditional support networks (e.g. family).

In some cases that same dislocation became a source of resilience, they had overcome the loss of that support network and that provided a pattern for their experience of whatever new loss it was they were currently encountering – they had already shown to themselves they were not ultimately defined by a situation of loss.

Their experiences also show that loss is not a linear thing – often in the moment there is a busyness to it – when a loved one died there are funeral arrangement to make, piles of admin to attend to – during a major health issue there are hospital appointments, tests and treatments – it is often only later, sometimes years later, when the dust has finally settled that the true experience of the loss comes home to you.

Each chapter concludes with a reflection on its theme from psychotherapist Silva Neves.

I think this, extend quote, from the chapter when Andrew interviews his husband, Theo, about their separation. These are Theo’s words…

“Something that has occurred to me… is that there is no difference between an open heart and a broken heart, and to walk through life in an open-hearted way is to keep company with pain.

… our lives and relationships with other people, they are going to wound us at times, but the alternative is to close down out of fear and not risk that pain and then shut people out.

What we need, in order to be able to walk through the world with the brokenness of an open heart, is courage. This need for control is a response to fear. We’re afraid of loss, of uncertainty, and we’re afraid of the truth that we all really know in our hearts, which is that we’re not in control of anything and that life can change at any time. …

The best thing that we can do is learn to cultivate the courage to face the truth, and to face the inevitable pain and heartaches that will come through life. I’d rather spend the rest of my life increasingly cultivating that courage to open my heart rather than retreating in the illusion of control.” (p183)